I'll be good
by HiddenWorldsOfWords
Summary: Set in season 1 episode 20. After Damon and Elena locked him up, Stefan is alone with his thoughts and the guilt that threatens to overwhelm him. Based on the song "I'll be good" by Jaymes Young. Rated T for suicidal thoughts and because I'm better safe than sorry.


Hey! So after I heard the song "I'll be good" by Jaymes Young this idea came to me and I couldn't help it and wrote a Oneshot based on it. If some of you want to hear it while reading (which I highly recommend) here's the link: /scd-uNNxgrU

Everything in italic is a flashback!

It hurt. Oh Gold, everything hurt so bad. He could hear their screams. Piercing through his head like needles imbedded into his skull. He tried to turn them off, he did. But he couldn't. Names flashed in front of his eyes. Every name had its own scream. And he recognized them all. He remembered the taste of their blood and the smell of their fear as he ripped them apart. He could still see the light die in their eyes.

With shaking hands he covered his face, trying to ignore the numbness in his chest. For so long he had managed to ignore his past, to ignore the devastation he'd left behind and all the life's that were lost because of him. It had always been there, he knew. Always present was the guilt that followed him wherever he went. But this time, he didn't want to do this anymore. All of this. Living, but not really. Loving, but being a threat to his loved ones. Breathing, but having a sharp pain come with each breath. He couldn't do this anymore.

I thought I saw the devil, this morning

Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue

With the warning to help me see myself clearer

I never meant to start a fire,

I never meant to make you bleed,

I'll be a better man today

He knew Elena wanted him to keep going. Wanted him to keep fighting, to not give up. But as much as he wanted to live up to her expectations, he believed she didn't know him. Hell, these days he didn't know himself. What he'd done was beyond explanation. He couldn't say why he did it. No one would understand. No one else knew the temptation of having their prey right in front of them and hearing the sound of their heart beat, steady and strong, pumping blood through the purple veins that shone through the white silky skin at their neck. It wasn't just hunger. It was like a force, pushing him to get what he needed, drowning out his other senses and taking control of him. He felt his own body crave for the crimson colored fluid as if his life depended on it and in some way - it did.

I'll be good, I'll be good

And I'll love the world, like I should

Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good

For all of the times that I never could

" _Please, please. Let her go" The man sobbed, raising his hands in an useless attempt to get the vampire to let go of his wife. He was shaking, tears running down his bloody and battered face, drawing white streaks behind them. Stefan looked at him with cold eyes, ignoring his pleading words, focused solely on the hot blood running through the veins of the girl in his arms. She had long given up to get free, all her previous attempts in vain. His grip on her arms was firm. He could hear her heart hammering violently against her ribcage._

 _For a moment he allowed himself to give in, to loosen his grip around her shaking arms and give her the space to struggle free. He heard his own voice in his head, yelling at him to stop, to let her go, to not give into the horrible craving. This was wrong. He knew it. He didn't kill people, that wasn't him. He was better than this._

 _Then why couldn't he stop? Why couldn't he let go of her?_

 _He didn't want to kill her._

My past has tasted bitter for years now,

So I wield an iron fist

Grace is just weakness

Or so I've been told

I've been cold, I've been merciless

But the blood on my hands scares me to death

Maybe I'm waking up today

 _A sudden movement drew his attention back to his victim, the purple veins below his eyes showing again as he felt the blood run through her body and the craving became stronger._

 _He managed to drown out the little voice in his head, now completely focused on his prey and what he was about to do. The sharp fangs dug their way through his gums as he opened his mouth. He could hear the man scream again and he could see the terrified look in the eyes of the woman. For a moment she tried to pull away, tearing the wound at her neck more open in the process, then she relaxed in his arms as he drained her body of the much needed blood. The man still screamed, cursing him and struggling to stand up. Due to his broken leg though, he couldn't, and helplessly had to watch the horrible scene in front of him._

I'll be good, I'll be good

And I'll love the world, like I should

I'll be good, I'll be good

I'll be good, I'll be good

For all of the light that I shut out

For all of the innocent things that I've doubt

For all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears

For all of the things that I've done all these years

Yeah, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out

For all of the perfect things that I doubt

Absently Stefan grabbed after the ring that protected him from sunlight. Sun would come up in a few hours. If he wouldn't wear it by then, he'd die, turning to ashes. Everything would be so much easier. He knew he never wanted to hurt anyone again, he couldn't. The guilt he carried with him now already made it hard to breathe and he couldn't bear more of it. It had to stop, one way or another. And if it didn't, he'd make it.

Inhaling a shaky breath, he pulled off the ring, putting it quietly next to him.

He knew he had to make Elena understand. He wasn't human. He was a monster, a predator that needed to be put down. He was a threat, to her, to her family and to the people that came close to him. Everything he touched fell apart, that's the way it had always been. In his nightmares he had seen himself tearing Elenas throat open as she screamed his name with such hatred it made his heart freeze in his chest. That feeling was now engraved into his heart, leaving him wounded. Ever since Elena made him drink her blood he feared the day he couldn't resist the temptation anymore.

But he wasn't going to let that happen. He'd rather die.

I'll be good, I'll be good

And I'll love the world, like I should

Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good

For all of the times I never could

"It feels more like a gift" he'd said.

"That will change. Because even in death, your heart is pure, Stefan. That will be your curse."

He hadn't believed her. Everything had felt intensified, more colourful, more real. He had felt wide awake, powerful and invincible.

Never would he have thought that one day, he'd hate what he'd become. But Emily had been right all along. This was by far the greatest curse he could've imagined.

With a last glance on his ring, Stefan stood, his legs nearly giving away under him. A wave of dizziness washed over him and he had to steady himself with one hand on the cold wall before he opened his eyes again. Slowly, he walked towards the heavy door and pushed it open. There was no sound in the hallway, only the shuffling of his feet as he made his way outside.

Ooh oh oh

Ooh oh oh

For all of the times I never could


End file.
